I haven’t felt very inspired to write lately. Mostly I’m feeling anxious. Anxious that the chiropractor won’t be able to help me and I’ll be no better off than I am right now. Just waiting and wondering if my ankle will ever heal. Wondering when the pain will go away. Wondering if I will ever get back to where I was before. And then tonight I read this blog post. And it resonated with me. So I read it to Lawrence. And he just looked at me and said, you could’ve written that.
“Last year, my mind was settled on it being THAT year. That year where I put everything I had into my goals, pursue the seemingly impossible, and become the running powerhouse that always danced around in my head. I was going to be unstoppable.
Fast. Fierce. Fired-up.
What I instead got was a beaten and battered body,
a weary and worn soul,
a million miles away from my desired destination,
and in the end a very fresh start.
I put everything into my running in 2012.
Life was handing me some pretty rotten lemons, and my coping method was to pour myself into the one thing that was consistently mine. It’s been no secret where that led me, effects of which I still feel from time to time these days. I let myself become nothing more than a vapid running machine where everything else important in my life took a back seat to my running goals. Faith, family, career, love, health, and happiness.”
I don’t really have much to add to it. She says it so perfectly. She describes ME so perfectly. In the months leading up to this injury, I felt like the only thing I had any control over in my out of control life was running. So I ran. And when things got hard, I ran harder. Until I was limping out of bed in the morning because everything hurt. But even then, I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement. Because the pain in my heart was much worse than the pain in my feet. I ran until the only thing left to feel was exhaustion.
And then there was this:
“Even when dreams still lay unfulfilled, I wouldn’t change the course of events that have led me to where I am now. I’ve worked my way through more heartache in the past 18 months of my life than I ever dreamed possible.”
It leaves me hopeful. She’s further along in her journey than I am. I’m still working through my heartache. And while intellectually, I know it’s necessary and that I had to stop running to do it, emotionally, not being able to run is still hard for me, especially right now.
Last year at this time, I was just setting out on my running path. Discovering the kind of runner I had the potential to be. I started out with the single goal to qualify for Boston and found that I had more in me than I realized. I discovered the freedom, the joy, and the peace that running could bring me. I made new friends. I found myself. This year, I am broken. Broken in body and soul. And what I’m finding is that putting myself back together is hard work. Some days, I want to give up. But I truly believe the day is coming when I will be able to honestly say, all the heartache was worth it to be where I am today. I’m not there yet.
But I’m closer than I was yesterday.