Let it go

Lawrence wasn’t home for dinner last night which meant breakfast for dinner.  I absolutely love breakfast food and could eat them every meal… and sometimes do.  Lawrence isn’t a fan of them at dinner so I don’t make them often.  But on days when I know he won’t be home, it’s a tasty and easy dinner that the kids don’t complain about.  Last night we had an egg casserole, pancakes, and fresh pineapple.  I always forget how much I love pineapple but we grabbed one at Costco the other day and have been reminded of their awesomeness.

dinner

I think the people at the gym got tired of me monopolizing their one rope pull machine because yesterday, in the middle of my workout, a second one was delivered.  That made me VERY happy because as far as I can tell, I’m one of the few people that use it as a cardio machine.  Most people use it as a weight machine so they’re only one for a few minutes while I pull away for 30.  A trainer came up to me after I was finished and asked if I’d tried the cardio arm machine upstairs.  I asked if he meant the hand bike and told him I really didn’t like that machine.  It stinks that there are only two machines in the whole gym (well, now three) that are arm cardio.  But I guess the demand for them just isn’t very high.  Hopefully only a couple more weeks until I’m cleared to use the bike and elliptical.

I spent a large part of my afternoon trying to figure out what to get Lawrence for his birthday on Friday.  He is one of the hardest people to shop for.  I did eventually order something which I give about a 50% possibility of being returned.  I think it’s pretty cool but if he doesn’t, hopefully it actually is the thought that counts.

I’m feeling a little… frustrated? today.  Not sure that’s the emotion exactly, maybe frustration mixed with anxiety, anger, and fear.  Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my surgery and for the most part, it’s been a pretty easy recovery and I’ve felt positive about the whole experience.  But now that I’m getting closer to getting off the crutches, I’m getting edgy.  On the one hand, I just want to be done with them forever.  I’m tired of everything taking me twice as long as it should.  And I’m tired of not being able to carry things and having to hop around my kitchen to make dinner.  But I’m also scared to get out of the cast and to start putting pressure on my foot again.  What if, after all that, it didn’t work?  What if I’m still in pain?  What if I’m in MORE pain?  What if I have to accept that long distance running just isn’t feasible for me any more?  I wrote the other day that running doesn’t define me.  For a while my identity was wrapped up in my running so I was completely lost when I was sidelined.  That’s not the case anymore but it would be a serious disappointment to have to shelf all my running dreams and goals.

I try not to think about it too much.  Not to get bogged down in the “what ifs?”  I did the research and decided surgery was the right road for me.  I’ve done all I can to give my body the best chance at recovering.  I’ve listened to the doctor and will continue to do what he tells me to.  It’s all I can do right now, today.  So I’m going to take a deep breath and try to let it go… like Elsa.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Alice says:

    So, I like this post but I have to disagree with you about needing to let it go like Elsa. The letting go that you are talking about is comparable to letting go of a balloon and watching it float away whereas Elsa’s letting go was more like a dam bursting allowing her amazing, beautiful–and dangerous–powers out.
    Of course, it is possible (likely) that if you have to let go of your running dreams (like a balloon), magical, beautiful and surprising gifts of your own will burst forth. But–please don’t freeze me.

    1. I wonder if I can have it both ways? Keep running AND have magical, beautiful and surprising gifts burst forth? I think I’ll go watch tv and wait for this bursting to occur.

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